Dreams

My love,

Do you know if Disney is right? Are dreams really wishes your heart make (when your fast asleep)? And, do dreams really do come true?

Last night, I had a dream that, in the briefest of terms, Jeff and I got back together. He felt terrible for breaking my heart, and had even written down somewhere “I found a girl, but i broke her heart” referring to me. It was like in a journal or something. And then, before I woke up, we were talking on the phone, like we always did.

You know I feel/believe/think he’s the one with my whole heart.

I’m sorry for hurting you with these if it turns out I’m wrong. But my heart says I’m not, and the devil can’t tamper with your heart, not directly.

 

A Trip To The Island

My Love

A storm is coming, and it’s going to be a big one. The clouds are dark in the west, and the wind is coming from the east. I hope it stays for awhile. [sadly, it barely even hit us. Lame]
The lightening bugs have also come out.
And the strawberries are in the midst of their season. Small and sweet, and deliciously warm straight from the vine.
Things that make me happier. Gifts from God, year after year, never failing.

My brother, mom and myself went up to the Island last weekend. My mom had a performance with the community band [she plays in.] It was also Lilac Festival, so it was beautiful. Of course, since it’s one of the most beautiful times on the Island, there are weddings, and lots of them. Now, as if I wasn’t missing Jeff already, seeing these wedding parties made it worse.

Jeff had, on several occasions, told me he wanted to marry me, actually asked me once or twice, and told a friend he wanted to marry me. So it was rough.

We took our bikes to the Island and went up to Arch Rock, we also went, pretty much everywhere. We [even/also] saw some lady slippers on the side of the road.

Sunday we went to the lighthouse and then home, saturday morning, before the concert, we went to the Fort on mainland. We bought plenty of fudge, and watched them make fudge a couple of times [too.]

That’s what I’ve bee doing lately, I miss him a lot, still love him, I feel I’ve completely forgiven him.

I just feel that all that’s left is for him to grow up and stop ignoring me. Matt was right, he still has some growing up to do. Based on his current “relationship” status. He’s in a “civil partnership” [changed to "domestic partnership" at one point] with his roommate.
That’s why I’m worried about him. [it's slightly out of character to make his jokes facebook official.]

 

Three Steps

My love,

Nothing Much has happened since I last wrote to you. The temperature here ans increased, and it sucks.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

My love,

I’m sorry. I meant to finish that last letter, I really did, but it was late when I started it, really late. [later than usual late]

I wrote originally due to a dream I had had the night before. Let me preface by saying I take my dreams seriously if they are realistic. In this dream it was Jeff and I talking somewhere (I don’t know where, could be anywhere [and it matters not]) he told me that he missed me, and I believe, can’t quite remember, that he said something about still liking me. This is either of sign of things to come, or, how Jeff still feels about me.

I pray for the former. As you know by now, I truly believe, that he is the one, but I kind of wonder, how do you know, like really know, how can you be sure?

Doubt, a tool of the devil, a trap I refuse to fall into. In times of doubt, rely on your feelings/emotions, (same, but different) your body, like a gut feeling, your heart. Doubt comes from the mind, where the devil can work, truth comes from the heart and soul, the home of the Lord.

Step one of a christian dating relationship (according to one of our amazing pastors at His House) Become the right person, is done. I am back to the God loving/fearing girl I was when I met Jeff, and then some on top of that.

Step two is fairly well accomplished, walk in love. Otherwise known as unconditional Love. Revision, that’s done.

Step three, it’s a bit of a struggle, but i’m getting there. Fix your hope on God. This can be even harder in a relationship. But, I feel that if I keep doing what I’m doing, I should be ok, not fine, but ok.

I miss him, every day. His voice, his smell. His heartbeat. The most unique and irreplaceable things, I love. don’t forget his eyes, and personality.

I’m sorry if you’re not Jeff, but if you’re reading this (before our Wedding) it really does not matter if you are or not.

 

Cars, Rematriculation, Coincidences, God, & Additions – In No Particular Order

My love,

I am absolutely terrible at writing on a somewhat reliable basis. I’m sorry (this, is sadly, demonstrated by the date changes above.)

Picking up where I left off about a month ago (again, sorry) I did actually end up going to Beth’s party. We had pizza, brownies, and we watched Enchanted. I somehow ended up with Jeff next to me, which was all him. I was sitting on that side of the room first. Jeff flirted again, pinching me to try and get me t stop using his legs as my footstool.

Honestly, if he doesn’t want to like me, he should try harder to not flirt with me in front of friends, because right now, there’s a disconnect, and actions always speak louder than words. don’t say one thing and do another.

A couple of things I missed/forgot when talking about the night of the 28th was that Jeff never said hi to me. The first thing he said to me was “You look nice.” and if it wasn’t the first thing he said, it was the second thing he said. The other of those two was “how was your meeting” or something similar. Third was telling me I looked thinner. Which can happen when depressed; rapid weight loss. Even though I don’t think I lost a lot, maybe a pound or two. Though maybe not. I actually have been drinking more since he broke up with me, I’m not sure if there’s a connection or not, I’m sure there isn’t. Especially since it went from none a month to maybe two a month, if that.

Anyway. I managed to drive back home without too much crying.

On the second of May, I had my last two finals philosophy and sociology, and on the fourth, grades were posted. A-, B, C, A; A- in sociology, I believe, either that or that was in philosophy which was an A, a B in history, and a C in psych, because I didn’t write an 80 pt paper that was somehow supposed to be 3-5 pages long. I didn’t do a paper in sociology either, and somehow it didn’t affect my grade. No complaints here.

I thine hung out in various depths of depression for the next week, probably somewhat menstrual related. And then I felt sick for the week after that, which I discovered was somehow water related. I figured that out yesterday.

At one point, my car died. So, we bought a new one. My mom and I went out on like, the tenth, looked at the Ford dealer in Bright-town, and then at a used car and rental car place, and pretty much found the new car. Then on the seventeenth, my mom dad and I looked at the Chevy dealer in Bright-town, and then purchased the new car my mom and I found at the used car place down the street. We picked it up on the nineteenth.

On the twentieth, my rematriculation was confirmed, (surprise surprise, with a 3.17 for my second term, and a 3.08 overall….) And I registered for classes.

Yesterday, Jo and I drove up to University and signed for a lease. So, that’s cool. I’m not exactly thrilled though, oh well, what are you going to do about it? not much, it’s better than living in the dorms with strangers, again.

My mom and I are talking about getting me an ipad before I head back to school. It’ll e a lot better than taking my laptop everywhere. We’ll be getting a keyboard to go with (duh) I’ll be writing papers and taking notes on it. with formatting done on my laptop just before printing. It’s rather exciting.

And today, our internet went out. for no reason.

oh, and ye, I’m sure you’re wondering, because you care so much. I do indeed, still miss Jeff, some days, much worse than others. The other day I felt like there was a hole where my heart was supposed to be. I’ve messaged him twice on facebook, once telling him I missed talking to him, and I missed him. The second one was longer asking how his flight was, and if he felt so inclined, to tell his mom I said hi, and that I missed her, and that if she asked how I was to not tell her I was fine, when he knows in his heart, I’m not. I also encouraged him to talk to his parents about what had happened. Asking him to do for himself what I can’t for myself. I finished telling him I love him, I care for him, I miss him, and that I’m praying for him. (as well as myself)

My love, I miss Seattle, I want to go back so bad now that I’ve been once. I made the decision I wanted to move there sometime in high school (before those dumb twilight books, well, before I read them and they got popular) And now I’ve been once, and it pretty much convinced me I wanted to move there.

I don’t believe in coincidences. It was no coincident that I wanted to move to Seattle, and I met Jeff, who’s parents were moving there, so he’d be there after college.

Jeff was put into my life for a reason, and he’s supposed to be a rather, permanent, fixture in my life, certainly longer than a year. So I’ll just have to wait and see what God has planned.

 

A Weekend At University

My love,

Yesterday was my interview for re-matriculation. It went well. It was more of an adviser meeting about my major and classes. I have to send a new copy of my transcript at some point (once community college gets the final grades in) and assuming I’m staying on track with Grades, I’ll be fine. Then, on the nineteenth I get to call Academic Advising & Assistance to make sure they got the transcript, and if the re-matriculation went through. If it did, I call the main computer lab and have them turn my email back on. Then I get to register for classes, and email the Band director.

After the meeting I with Vicky and Zippy to wal*mart [that's how it was when i was younger, that's how it always shall be] which was ok.

At about six, Kelli, Vicky and I went over to the church to help set up for the salsa social. That ended up, for me, sitting there moping, and coming up with ideas, and, for no explicable reason, snapping at Jeff. I feel bad for it and I don’t quite understand why it happened.

When everyone went up to service, I stayed behind and cried. Beth prayed for me, and we kind of talked. Nicole came in, and we talked about band stuff. Like the new assistant drum major for instance, which, as far as I know, some of us don’t really agree on that decision. I know Spencer and Barbra don’t, and Nicole doesn’t really either.

After we got really cold in the room we were in, I went and sat next to Beth, then Nicole joined us on the two seats. Then Beth got up to run and get something, I don’t really remember. Jeff sad down where Beth was, squishing Nicole and I. I still wanted to sit, but not be squished, so, what does one do? I got up and sat on Jeff’s lap. He starts poking/tickling me imediately. Then Nicole left and Jeff said I could sit there (where she was) but thn something about how I would like to stay where I was. In response, I asked him what he would like, and got up and left.

At one point soon after service. I ran Vicky home, and we talked about things. When I finally returned like an hour or two later, it was mostly Beth’s swing friends. I spent most of my time watching Jeff dance, which made me smile so much. I love him [most] when he’s having fun and not stressed.

One of the swing Kids came up to me at one point, and made me dance. Yes, made. He took my ipod out of my hands, and dragged me out to dance. Tall and handsome. I’ll take it. haha

When the dance was over and we were cleaning up. I hugged Jeff and apologized, for everything. He then asked if we were good. I said I didn’t know. He said he didn’t want to fight anymore. I don’t exactly remember my response, but it was some sort of agreement. A bit later I said that I felt the arguments were kind of his fault, and explained my point.

He said he wasn’t ready to be close yet. I later texted asking if that’s because he doesn’t want to like me. and some other things. He said he didn’t want to be that close because he reserves that closeness for a girlfriend. But i wasn’t referring to that. He then said he guessed he just didn’t know how to be close without a break. I said I understand that, and I can try really hard to give that to him, but I can’t promise. Because to me, if I don’t talk to people, I feel like I lose them.

I then asked “where do we stand now, and where to we stand in August, [those] are the questions.” About an hour later he replied saying he didn’t know.

When I woke up this morning I replied telling him where I stood. I told him I loved him, and I always have. But I don’t deserve him, I never have, and probably never will. I then said that I wouldn’t let that get in the way of a friendship though.

Surprisingly, he never replied.

Anyway. That’s all I have for now, it’s about two and I’m sitting by myself at U-Cup writing this out. I think I will go to Beth’s party thing, I’ll get to see my friends one last time. That’s at 4 though.

I love you